Giving Words To Sorrow
by petrichors
Summary: On the first anniversary of her sister's death, Petunia voices things she never has before.


The day you were born was the happiest day of my life. I was so excited to have a sister and I saw you and you were so tiny and perfect and precious. I loved you straight away and Mum and Dad said that you loved me too. And I got to hold you even though I was scared of dropping you, because you were so delicate and so small. And in that moment I had my best friend.

I'm sorry, Lily. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. You tried to talk to me; you tried to make things right, but I never listened. Typical, isn't it? You were always the kind one. Always the listener. You were younger than me, but somehow you understood the world in a way that I never will. Even when we were kids. You saw things in people that I never saw. You saw the beauty. Mum and Dad used to say that they wished I could be more like you. Everyone loved you, Lily. You were lovely and kind and so… uncommon. You weren't like anyone else. You were special. It's no surprise that you were the witch and I was just… But you never boasted, did you? I ridiculed you and treated you horribly, but you never retaliated. But it hurt you, didn't it? I hurt you. I saw it in your eyes. I never wanted that, really. I just wanted to be like you.

I remember when we went on holiday to the beach and you were so amazed by it. Everything was special and beautiful to you. I can still see you running along the sand, and your hair is flowing behind you. I can hear your laughter, and it kills me, it _kills _me, Lily, because I'll never hear that laughter again. I wish I could see you, hear you, just one more time. Maybe then I could understand.

I didn't even cry when you left. My own sister died and I couldn't even shed a tear. What does that make me? You weren't afraid of death though, were you? You weren't afraid of anything. I was. I still am. I'm afraid of everything, but you…you never let fear get in the way. It's strange really, isn't it? I've been terrified my whole life, but you were the one who was in danger. You knew it, but you didn't let anyone see your fear. Maybe James saw it. Maybe you showed him that part of you that you were too proud to show anyone else. Were you scared, Lily? Were you scared when you were about to die? I bet you were more scared about your son. That's how you were, wasn't it? You always cared for everyone before yourself.

I wish I'd spoken to you, Lily. I wish I'd come to your wedding. I wish I'd just sent you a letter now and then or something. I tried to, once. I sent you that fruit bowl last year. I didn't even put any thought into it. I never even told Vernon I sent it. I'm sorry; you must've hated it, did you? I didn't even send a card with it. I just wish, I _wish _I'd tried to fix things.

It's so different without you, Lily. Things aren't the same. I never spoke to you; I never even came to visit when you had Harry. But you were always there. Why aren't you here anymore, Lily? Why did you leave me? I was going to make things better, Lily, I was. But now you're gone and it's too late. Why couldn't you just wait a while? I still loved you; I always loved you. You were my best friend, Lily. You were my sister, you weren't supposed to leave me all alone like this. I don't know how the world works. That was always you. You were supposed to be here forever. Why aren't you still here? It's not fair, Lily. You weren't supposed to leave me.

I just wish you'd told me what to do. How to go on. I don't know how to, Lily, I'm so lost and scared and confused. Nothing feels right anymore. You meant everything to everyone, Lily. Why did I let the gap between us get so big? Now you're gone forever and you didn't even say goodbye. Why didn't you say goodbye, Lily?

I miss you, Lily. I miss you so much that it hurts; it physically aches. It should've been me, not you. You deserve to be alive. You did good in the world. What have I ever done? You should be alive and happy and taking care of your family. People need you, Lily. They need you more than anyone will ever need me. Harry needs you. I can't even look at him; all I see is you and it makes me sick. You should be taking care of him, not me. I can't do it, I'm never going to be like you.

I don't even know why I'm telling you all of this. It's not like you'll hear me, is it? But I can't tell anyone else. Even Vernon doesn't know all this. But you… I could always talk to you. I chose not to, but I knew you were always there. Always the listener. If you were here now you'd probably smile, that beautiful smile that make your eyes light up, and you'd pull me into a hug and tell me everything was ok. But it's not. Nothing is ok, because you're gone. If you were still here, I'd tell you how sorry I am and how much I miss you and love you. If you were here I'd make everything right. I'd tell you you're not a freak and I'd tell you what an incredible sister you were. You were my best friend. I ruined that. I pushed you away. I pushed my best friend, my own sister, so far away that there was no turning back. But I _would have_, Lily. I would have apologised; I would've fixed things. It's too late now. I'm sorry. You'll never even know how sorry I am.

I miss you dreadfully, Lily. I miss you more than you will ever know. Please come back, Lily. I need you. Everyone needs you. Please, Lily. Please come back.


End file.
